Angsty Middle Age Ranting, rawr.Β 

More people my age need to stop giving a crap about trying to fit into a group, impressing people, and having it “all together.” First off, it’s impossible and you’re using up valuable energy in the pursuit of a forever unattainable goal. This is one source of stress & depression. You also may be setting your kids up for therapy because you’re modeling behavior that tells them not to be happy with themselves. And as far as impressing people, Nobody cares and you’re dimming your damn light. People literally give you 20 seconds of attention and judgement (unless you directly influence their lives) and move on to fixating on themselves while you’re fixating on their approval or lack thereof. I have wonderful friends in their 60’s & up who have matured enough to figure this all out & actually enjoy living. I’m so antsy for other people my age to get this. Be ahead of your time in a way that will actually impact YOUR life…live it however the fook you want. 
I don’t know why I felt this was necessary to write today. But there ya go. Do with it what you will. 


The moment you own it…

Here’s the scenario: 
some person with absolute knowledge of the future tells you that you must take action towards that thing you’ve been wanting to do, the dream or plan or goal, and you have to take that action by TOMORROW night, or your window of opportunity shuts FOREVER. 
It doesn’t have to be a big scary step; just something that reflects forward momentum towards your goal. 
What do you do? 

(Please forgive the Keanu Reeves “Speed” reference 😜)

There’s no forgiving this reference so I won’t ask for it 😬


If you had

One shot

Or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted

In one moment

Would you capture

Or just let it slip?

So of course this isn’t a likely scenario, but I know I’m personally familiar with dreams that get shifted to a “some day” that never comes, or pushed aside for all the day to day “have to’s” that make up the routine lives we all live. At some point in the lives of the people who go for their goals, however, a decision is made and action is taken. 

To paraphrase Horton: an action’s an action, no matter how small. 

Just how small can it be and still be an action? How about some of these:

  • Make a list of goals & see if one stands out
  • Google people you admire doing things you want to do
  • Outline necessary steps towards your goal
  • Imagine what life would be like once you do whatever it is your reaching towards 
  • Make a vision board about your dream
  • Buy one item that will fit in with your new identity as someone who does what you do (running shoes if you hope to do a marathon someday, even if you’re way out of shape, a frame for your diploma even if you’re just starting school, a special outfit to wear to your gallery opening, etc) 
  • Talk about your dreams/goals with SUPPORTIVE friends &/ family (not with people who tend to be negative or belittling) 
  • Make phone calls, send emails, ask questions to find out how it’s done
  • Even ask yourself “what would I do?”

Let yourself spend a moment pondering the possibilities and don’t dismiss anything that feels like a “hell yes!” 

If it’s right for you, and it feels necessary, you better never let it go πŸ˜πŸ˜‰πŸ˜

(Ok…time for mom’s spaghetti)

For Mac πŸ’•πŸŒ»

Every day brings new challenges, lessons, heartaches, and reasons to be grateful. Someday we’ll understand it all, but for now they become part of our human experience. The question is how will you let it shape you?Take the good and keep it with you always. Take the pain and let it refine your rough edges, polish them, and make the broken parts stronger. Keep your heart open as a soft place for others to land. Celebrate the good times, even while they’re passing by. Our memories are what life ultimately is all about. You are the continuation of strength, hope, and love. You can choose to go higher. I believe you won’t sink. 

My Cool Podcast Interview πŸ˜

So I was interviewed on the awesome Courage Makers podcast by brilliant badass Meg Kissack. I didn’t share it right away because I was worried about what people would think, my grandmother died so I was distracted, and I had a camp coming up & thought parents wouldn’t want me to teach their kids if they heard me curse a lot. What can I say; shit happens, I’m a human attempting to walk my talk and that’s not always easy, and ultimately “what other people think of me is none of my business.” I try to be bold & keep it real, so here you go. 😘 Courage Makers Podcast episode 62

Wherefore art thou consciousness…

Attempting to stay detached from drama and present in the moment, I soon find how quickly my efforts are thwarted when my Bluetooth headphones are missing. Mentally retracing my steps, I think I may have left them at a boutique I visited yesterday with my daughter & may have hung them on a hook while trying on a dress. 

So I call the place up & although the website claims its business hours, the phone goes unanswered. 

My mind immediately envisions the old lady who works there finding my headphones & being fascinated by such cool technology, deciding to abandon her job & run away with my awesome headphones. 

I am the one observing a desperate mind creating conspiracy theories regarding a pair of $39 headphones.


I definitely amuse myself. Headphones not required 😜

Camp Tuition Fundraiser!Β 

I am so psyched. My Creative Resilience art camp for teenage girls is this summer at Sandhills Community College in Pinehurst NC. I’m raising money to cover supplies so I can send some girls for free! I already have enough to send 2 girls; I would like to send at least 2 more.  πŸ˜Š A friend of mine suggested a coffee mug fundraiser, so here we go! The mugs have my original camp flyer artwork on them. I hope you’ll love them & help me send a girl to camp! 

Click the link to check out the mugs and read about the camp, and share with your friends and family ☺️ Thank you!

Has it happened to you? Please share!

This is not a coaching blog post, so please forgive me if that’s what you were hoping for today. I have one of those in the works, and it’s a fun one 😊 But for now, I am curious and hoping to reach women who can help quench my thirst for knowledge. 
I’d like to hear from women who have personally experienced the gender pay gap. Women who have literally been paid less than men in their exact same professional position. 
I personally can’t talk; haven’t experienced it. But something about this ad (why does it feel patronizing to me?!?) and a rant about “no such thing as gender pay discrepancy” has me really curious. I lean strongly towards feminism and liberal ideas but I don’t like to exclude the possible validity of other perspectives. So I’m seriously asking: has it happened to you or to someone you know? I don’t doubt it’s a reality, but I’d like to know when, where, and how. 
Please, whatever you do, don’t chime in with statistics from another source, as I am totally capable of googling all by myself. I want real life narrative if you have it. 
And by all means, share this so we can find true stories. Thanks!

Making Plans (haha)

So I’m outlining notes in preparation for my first attempt at writing a magazine article. One of a few cool but kinda scary things I have planned for this year. Not sure exactly what will go into the article or where the article will end up, but I know it will deal with creativity and resilience…two of the biggest elements that make up my life now more than ever before.  2016 was tough. I made it through stronger than ever, with more accomplishments than I anticipated. (I’m not normally a big accomplisher.) At the beginning of the year, a life shift put me in “just get through this” mentality, but I did a whole lot more than “just get through.” I became a certified Kaizen Muse Creativity Coach, developed & ran a second season of art camp for our town’s recreation department, I painted A LOT, I made many new friends, I kept my kids alive for another year, (not always easy when they seem determined to trigger homocidal impulses) I helped people, I saved a kitten, got rabies vaccines & sick as hell, said goodbye to a woman who gave me a sense of who I could be, instructed part of a woman’s retreat,  comforted friends & family members through hard times, traveled with my husband as we re-invented our marriage,  and I took on & accomplished a goal I’ve had for YEARS. I made it a priority to re-establish my self worth.  As a result, I’m really proud of my emergence from 2016.

I think I pegged it with the tiny scribble in the middle of this jumble: I triumph over the odds against me. There are many. 

I certainly didn’t choose the easy road paved with good choices or thorough planning, and I’ve pretty much ensured that the odds will almost always be stacked against me, but I do tend to rise above. I wouldn’t recommend my choices to my daughters; its probably a whole lot better to plan & follow a well-worn path of wisdom and informed decision making. (I wouldn’t know for sure; I’ve never tried it. *With the exception of hard drugs. I went with “informed decision making” for that life option. Gotta say that was a good choice. Don’t do drugs, girls.) But it’s good to know that even if things don’t turn out the way you planned, you have the option to fall apart or to get up & move forward. Even if you do fall apart for a while first. That’s normal. 

Two quotes I love: “we make plans and God laughs” (Yiddish proverb) and “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans” (John Lennon)

I found the John Lennon quote especially helpful when I first stopped working after my daughter Veronica was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. I planned on going back to work. I had my self worth all tied into my ability to make money, and we were kinda on the broke side. But once I learned to accept that life was simply about to change again, and I could choose to fight against it or roll with it, I figured I would see where it took me. * In all honesty, I was way too exhausted physically and emotionally to fight. It wasn’t some noble, peace-filled acceptance. It felt a whole lot more like defeat at the time. But it worked out beautifully anyway. (I became a mural artist, had another kid, trusted my husband to take care of us and he was amazing, etc. Thats a whole other story.)

And if God is laughing at my plans, as the Yiddish say he is, I’ve come to realize its not because he wants to see me suffer and fail. On the contrary; God’s been giggling at me the whole time because he knew I had more in me than what my little plans were going to let me settle for. I do question his sanity quite regularly. I don’t pretend to have it figured out or to even know exactly what I believe for sure. But I can tell you one thing: I trust God. 

Having said all that; my whole “blah blah, plans, whatever” belief system, where I basically threw out any planning whatsoever? Well, that doesn’t work 100% either. Its fine, but kinda boring, and you end up doing a whole bunch of stuff that works for other people -just without any of the passion or drive that gives life the “zing” factor, and you tend to disappear a little. But only the good side of you. The boring, bland, disappointing bits of you are really visible. So that mostly sucks. I learned that the hard way.

How do you proceed when your plans are laughed at, life is tossing you along without a map, and you’re settling for the well-meaning plans of other people? You start by getting curious. I’ve found when you get introspective and really curious about what makes you happy or excited to contribute to life,  the planning is enjoyable and the motivation, at the risk of sounding all new-agey and woo-woo,  is kind of divinely orchestrated. It feels natural, like its supposed to happen. And that’s how I know I need to put plans to action. 

But here’s the catch: I try not to get tied up in a certain outcome. I try to let go of expectations. I attempt to do what I feel its time to do and let whatever happens happen, and trust its gonna be good. It’s a very Kaizen Muse way of going forward. It’s not easy at first, but it gets easier with practice. (With enough practice, it starts to feel like play, and that’s REALLY awesome.)

Of course I have an idea of what I hope will happen. I have a picture in my mind of a desired outcome. But it almost never matches what happens in reality. Reality is usually better or proves to be a stepping stone towards the next thing, whatever that is. It’s always a learning experience if nothing else.

So here we are, 2017. I’m plotting out my notes. I’m excited and curious. I’m throwing ideas out there again. I have semi-plans. God’s laughing. 

I’m psyched for the punch line πŸ˜‰

If life gives you the perfect situation, don’t do the dishes.Β 

Yesterday morning was not my best morning ever. I woke up with a headache, we had family car issues that made the day a little complicated, and the resident teenagers hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher the day before so the sink was overflowing with dirty dishes waiting their turn for washing. I know many women would not be able to go to bed knowing what a huge mess would meet them in the morning, but I am dedicated to teaching my girls to take their chores seriously and to be responsible. And I was just really really tired. So I woke up to that horrible sight first thing in the morning, which really didn’t help my headache. Then I realized the creamer I bought for my coffee was just plain and not the French vanilla I thought it was—that was a horrible surprise—and I discovered the dog pooped in the house. I had a meeting scheduled for 12:30, and I overslept (I’m usually up at 5 on an early day and 8 on a late day, but it was closer to 10 by the time I dragged myself out of bed this day.) so I didn’t have my normal work out/quiet journal time either. And I was just remarkably low. Sad, hopeless, defeated, weary. Yesterday morning sucked. 

The first thing I did that helped improve my morning (besides cleaning up the dog poop) was to tell the girls that since they neglected their job the day before, not only would they have to do it now, but they would also be responsible for doing all the dishes in the sink too. That let me walk away feeling like I got off easy  because I didn’t have to do the dishes, AND that it was ok for me to indulge in that avoidance since I was teaching my girls a “Valuable Lesson.” (Oh, how I LOVE Valuable Lessons!)

Then my meeting was cancelled. After a brief moment of disappointment, I realized I had just been gifted with a free hour. I had been admiring the artwork of some Facebook friends lately, and two of them had posted some awesome paintings that morning. I haven’t done any painting with actual shading or detail in a while; nothing that was a very big challenge, and I have a daughter who is really quite talented. Miss Artiste has been doing these amazing drawings lately, and my other daughter Miss Musician, has been making these “Mommy better watch out, she’s got competition” type comments. So I decided to see what I can still do. 

I started with a canvas panel and regular old #2 pencil. I said to myself, “Self, no pressure, let’s just see what happens.” I did a sketch from a selfie…that’s right, a selfie….and called in Miss Artiste to show her what’s up. She started with “constructive criticism” so I banished her. 

Then I started adding paint. I’ve done many paintings in my life, but I usually work in an odd way that combines flat layers of paint and shading done with colored pencil. This was one of the first times I’ve stuck with paint all the way. I’m not gonna lie, it was a little scary to see my nice sketch being gradually covered with blotchy paint. But once I started, I figured I can cover it up with fresh paint if I hate it, and I kept going- painting at a fairly quick pace. I had good music on, a free hour that was rapidly slipping away, and the knowledge that I could salvage the canvas for something else if I screwed up too badly, and somehow my energy level was rising to meet the occasion. 

It’s not often that the right combination of elements allows me to be in a perfect zone for creating, but time, interest, inspiration, and energy all met for a few hours yesterday in my art room. I ended up with a really funky self portrait. It’s not perfect, there’s something weird about it, but I love it! I think I love it because it was so unexpected and unplanned… and because it is a little weird. I think an honest self portrait should be a little weird.  

When I showed Miss Artiste, I said, “You know, I don’t usually get time to really experiment like this. I usually just stick with my normal style. But because I had some free time and I saw paintings that I liked online, I got to play around a bit, and I really surprised myself!”To which she replied “yeah, because we did all those dishes.” I chuckled, and said “You’re right actually; I probably would not have gotten into painting if I knew I still had dishes waiting for me to do.”

Turning to leave the art room, she casually replied, “You’re welcome. And you might want to try spacing your eyes with one eye measured in the middle next time.” 

Row Row Row …your way out of the comfort zone!Β 

This morning I got up with my husband at 5 something a.m. to help him get out the door on time, get nourishment, that kinda thing. I was exhausted and planned on going back to sleep when he left. But once I was in bed again, I couldn’t sleep and figured it would be a good time to go to the gym. We have one in our neighborhood, so I walked there and decided to use the rowing machine. 

Here’s the thing about me and exercise: I need to not realize I’m working out in order for it to happen. This requires optimum mental conditions and the perfect level of distractions or I get bored and discouraged, throw a mental temper tantrum that includes the statements “this is stupid,” “it’s too hard,” “I suck at this,” and the old reliable,”I look good enough. Screw this, I’m going home.” (Which is in direct conflict with how my knees feel on the way up my stairs, how my pants fit, and my unceasing desire to wear crop tops again. Someday.) So I have an arsenal of tricks that I employ at the gym, depending on the exercise.

 If I’m on the treadmill, I have an energizing playlist going in my ears, and my iPad BLOCKING the miles/calories/time so I don’t have to see the reality of where I am and how much or little I’ve accomplished. Instead, I’m on Pinterest, looking at all the cute clothes I want to wear. There are many crop tops. 

If I’m on the elliptical machine, I’m usually reading a book, which blocks the same progress info as the treadmill. I have my headphones hooked up to a noise app on my iPad, set to “maximum blocking noise” in order to be able to completely not notice the TVs or anyone else in the gym, unless they come up and physically touch me. Which makes me jump. 

If I’m on weight machines, I’m usually listening to an audio book, and I’m not counting reps at all. I keep doing the same motion until whatever body part I’m working on feels like it hates me, at which point I move on to another machine. 

Now, when it comes to the rowing machine (my exercise of choice first thing this morning) I am in heaven because it has game settings. There’s a racing game, a fish game, and a darts game. I pair the games with my ever-present headphones, and I’m good to go.
The racing game is boring. Two boats are there, kinda moving, I can’t even tell which one is mine. I’m moving, I appear to be winning, but there’s no real challenge.

The fishing game was my initial “have fun while working out” choice for rowing. Your character is a medium-sized fish who has to eat the smaller fish while avoiding the bigger fish. Each row controls the motion of the fish. It can get a little crazy. I liked it for a while until I realized I was focusing way too much on trying to eat the little fish and kept getting eaten by the big fish and it stopped being fun. (Also, my movements were all over the place, so I doubt the exercise was as effective as it could have been.) Once I started losing that damn game, I started focusing on how long I’d been on the machine, and it started to suck. 

Then I discovered the dart game. It was a simple concept where every time I did the rowing motion, I would let a virtual dart fly; depending on the fluidity of my physical movements, I would be closer or farther away from center target. The challenge is just enough to hold my interest and keep me distracted while I get in a great workout. 

I know, you’re wondering “What the hell does your exercise avoidance have to do with creativity?” I’m getting there. Gimme a sec. 

There’s a certain comfort zone we all have for various areas in our lives. Keep us in our comfort zone, and we feel safe, but not much new and exciting happens. Take us far out of our comfort zone without knowing how to handle it, and we flounder and feel lost, and may even feel like failures. 

Creativity is no exception. Creative success happens somewhere in between the comfort zone and the unknown. If we stay in our comfort zone, we might be happy with what we’re making for a while, but eventually we’ll get bored, our ideas will dry up, and we run the risk of becoming unmotivated. (like the rowing race game) 

If we take on a challenge far removed from our comfort zone, put pressure on the outcome to be GREAT, and compare ourselves to others, (like all the chaos with the fish game) we run the risk not just of failure, but of damaging our idea of worth as artists, and saying “Screw this, I’m going home.” 

If we take small challenges with lower expectations for the outcome, we are letting our brains be intrigued by something new, building our confidence as artists, and opening our comfort zone a little more each time, so the bigger challenges become smaller as we gradually approach them. (kinda like the dart game.) 

And we want it to be fun so we keep showing up for the challenge!  (Headphones πŸ˜‰)

*Note:  This is not to say you should never take the big leaps out of your comfort zone! You need a healthy self awareness regarding how much pressure you’re comfortable with, and how you handle possible failure. Remember, Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times before perfecting the first lightbulb, and FAIL can stand for First Attempt In Learning! If you’re about to go big, it may be a comfort to have a friend join you in the challenge, to increase the fun and lighten the situation up a bit, or lower expectations for the outcome and give yourself full credit for the chutzpah you demonstrated by going for it! (And treat yourself to a cupcake! Hmmm…maybe that’s why I don’t make fitness progress; I’m always rewarding my creative chutzpah. Ehh, I’ll row it off.) 

So the question is, how are you progressing out of your comfort zone, and how do you make it fun enough to keep showing up? 

Here are some ideas that have helped me and many other people.

  • Take a class
  • Join some artist groups on Facebook where you can show your work
  • Be open to inspiration from random sources like nature, Pinterest, or the grocery store
  • Make a playlist of music that gets you in the mood to make or write stuff
  • Dedicate a small challenge in honor of a friend, loved one, or a belief that’s important to you
  • Check out the artists behind some work you admire, and read about their personal struggles and failures
  • Take part in the Art Abandonment project by making small pieces of art and leaving them in a public place for people to find, with a small note attached
  • Have a special thinking cap or tiara to wear when it’s time to make stuff.
  • Remember failures are still steps in the right direction
  • Make a list of all the possible results of failure, make the list insanely over the top (“Could accidentally hot glue craft to mouth and starve to death”) and then take a small step out of the comfort zone knowing the likelihood of that happening is smaller than the regret you’d have by avoiding the possible fun of going for it.
  • Start your creative endeavors with some expectation-free doodle time to loosen up.
  • Model the rhythm of your writing after a well known poem to get ideas flowing
  • Set a reminder on your phone or computer for creative time. Sync it with a funny or inspiring picture and great music if possible
  • Go to the gym or take a walk in nature!  Seriously, great ideas love to be born from exercise πŸ™‚ 

These are just a few ideas. I would love to hear how you get yourself moving in a new direction! Please share your creative growth tricks in the comments. Have an awesome day!