The PMDD hurdle

I suffer from PMDD. 

Literally been diagnosed and treated with antidepressants, but I didn’t like the side effects, so I deal with it naturally. Every month I face the kind of emotional and hormonal hell that literally makes me hate myself. 

Every Single Month. 

This is a far swing from the upbeat-badass-positive-thinking-mermaid-painting woman I usually am. I usually find myself having declining moods & energy & deep spiraling negative thoughts of all the sad things in my life that I can normally move past, until I reach the point where I’m driving back home after delivering my kids safely to school, sobbing till my eyes are puffy and scream-begging god for some kind of help. (Like I did a few minutes ago.) 

It SOUNDS crazy because it IS crazy. I’m not in my right mind. I’m sane enough not to hurt myself or anyone else, but in the words of Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction, I’m pretty fricken far from OK. 

I am aware that it will pass, I know all the tricks and skills I should be using, but god help me; my mind and my body are simply not my friends at that moment. 

So I do the horrifically ugly cry till I’m exhausted and completely drained of the worst of it. I’ll be angry that I have to be like this, and tired of it. I will make my coffee with lots of cream and sugar the way I friggin like it. (Even though I know it doesn’t help this scenario.) I will tear down the miserable shell of me in the shower, put on some makeup, listen to something girly and angsty and loud, (Most likely Violet by Hole- I really like that one.) and think of what kind of woman I want to be- need to be- in order to fucking dominate the bullshit in my mind. 

I will bring out my art stuff and paint some fucking mermaids. Because I friggin like mermaids. I will write a bunch of stuff in a journal, and it will be strong and positive, because THATs the kind of woman I really am. I will finish my coffee and maybe have another cup, or not, I might not need it, but I will be stronger than I was in the past few days. 

You know why? 

Because God heard me and he knows I have important things to do, and he wants me to know he’s for me and my husband and my daughters and my friends. And the role I play in their lives is important too. Even though I have these moments of misery, I know I’m strong enough to tear down and rebuild fresh. Every month.

After writing this, I put on SiriusXM & Joel Osteen was on. He said something like ‘in the deepest part of our problems it feels like we’re buried under the weight of negativity. Can’t move, can’t see any light. But like a seed in the dirt, if we have the slightest bit of faith we can use that darkness to grow stronger and reach higher. The dirt that felt like it was trying to keep us down will turn into the fertilizer that makes us grow. When we spend that time in the dark, we will come out better and able to plant more seeds for good things. Become beautiful flowers and stuff.

That was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.